It makes me sad how unspecial my second pregnancy seems to those around me compared with my first pregnancy. In my first pregnancy one of my major struggles was with people - strangers, friends, family, friends of friends, coworkers, everyone - who were constantly touching my belly, especially before I was really showing. It freaked me out and felt invasive, especially when it was people I did not have a relationship with. Bleh. And yet this pregnancy, I have found myself twice asking my husband to try to feel the baby kick and him generously complying, though it is clear he is uninterested, and after about 90 seconds he removes his hand because "it hurts" to keep holding it on my belly in that expectant position. My son is totally and completely uninterested and too impatient to wait for any more than 2 seconds. The only person who wants to feel the baby is my mom, but my interactions with her are too infrequent to fill that void. At this time in my last pregnancy, I had just had a wonderful baby shower, my parents were calling once or twice a week to check in on how I was feeling, my husband was rubbing my feet or back just about every night, we were taking pictures of my big pregnant belly, we had already decorated the baby's room and set up all our furniture and packed our hospital bags, and we were taking a 6 week childbirth class one night a week. I can say with authority that none of that is happening this time around. In fact, my husband has committed to being out of the house 2 nights a week for something with church, I am leading a church class 1 night a week which keeps me out until midnight every tuesday night, and i can count the number of foot or backrubs I've gotten in the last 7 months on one hand. Quite a bit of this revolves around us moving in 3 weeks and not being able to prepare the baby's stuff yet, so I may feel very differently in our new house. And some of this sounds pretty pathetic and whiny when I read it back to myself. Good thing I'm the only one who reads this blog. But it is difficult, at least for self-indulgent, needy me, to recognize that this baby will enter the world so unceremoniously compared with my son. Especially since I plan on this being my last pregnancy. I still am trying to "enjoy" it as much as possible but I feel really alone in doing that. And it just seems like such an imposition to feel like I have to ask people to want to feel the baby kick or to force my exhausted, begrudging husband to massage my swollen and tired feet, that I just don't do it. I have a hard time receiving ungenerously given gifts. I wish I was better at that, I wish I could just feel satisfied if my need was met regardless of the mindset of the person meeting the need, but I can't. I should pray for this to get better, I only have 9 weeks left.
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