Creating the lack

So it turns out, I'm terrified of being hungry. Given the emotional gymnastics I've been putting myself through, you would think I was contemplating 40 days of complete abstinence from food, rather than just skipping one meal a day for a few weeks, and being "allowed" to eat whatever high calorie, multi-portioned junk crosses my path the rest of the time. I've been worrying about my fasting time each day as it approaches, worrying I will be distracted and not "get anything" out of it, worried that I'll forget I'm fasting and accidentally eat a steak, worried that I'll be uncomfortable, or even more vaguely, that I'll somehow feel bad, become excluded, or forgotten.

I'm surprised at the level of psychosis in my response to this discipline. Nothing like taking a little bit of the noise away from the incessant cacophony in your head to be able to tune in a little more clearly to the sheer and utter craziness you spend (apparently) quite a bit of your time stealthily telling yourself.

After three days, I can say the most horrible thing that has happened to me when I skipped dinner as part of my lenten fast was I got hungry. The walls of my house did not come crashing down around me, I did not faint weakly on a couch, and I'm fairly certain the axis of the earth is in relatively the same place. It is true, my tummy rumbled a bit, and I thought longingly of the tacos my husband was putting together for the kids. Then I went upstairs and played fire trucks with my five year old, and felt better.

Things I've noticed:

It is amazing how much time I have with the kids when I don't spend my evenings cooking dinner. It stretches out endlessly in that hour between 6 and 7.

I noticed my temper gets triggered a bit quicker when I haven't eaten. I never notice this at work when I skip breakfast, but I wonder if it is also true in the mornings. When I am low on fuel, I can get a bit snippy. I could have spared myself, and those I work with, years of caustic remarks by noticing this effect sooner.

I noticed how much more food is to me beyond simple nourishment. Being part of my family's dinnertime feels very acknowledging to me, even if I'm not aware of that in the moment. Apparently I look to food to help me feel cared for and appreciated, to dull my emotional edge, to ease pain, to feel connected. I am just overwhelmed by how unable food is to do that kind of stuff, and how GREAT Jesus would be at it if I brought any of it to him.

And, I've noticed that I am more interested in taking care of myself during this fasting season. I want to go to bed earlier, wake earlier, listen to worship music, take walks at lunch, depersonalize the challenging conversation I just had with my boss, and connect with my husband and kids without distractions.

Leap of faith, day one

I've been so looking forward to this Lent season, a chance to slow down, to carve out and experience some emptiness, after so many months of sprinting, saturated, through my days.

This year I'm praying to hear Jesus's voice better. I've been thinking about John 10, where he says "My sheep know me, they follow me because they are familiar with the sound of my voice." (paraphrased) There are a lot of reasons I follow Jesus, but I don't always feel like I'm all that clear on the sound of his voice. Sometimes, I feel like I hear God speaking out and my whole being clangs in recognition. Mostly I find myself wondering, what does Jesus say about this? Has he spoken? Did I miss it? I want to be so dearly and intimately familiar with Jesus that when he speaks, I know, just like when my husband calls on the phone and never bothers to identify himself - why would he? Sometimes, with Jesus, I feel unbalanced, like when you get a call at work from an unknown number, and they just start speaking, with familiarity but without the prefunctory "Hi this is X, I'm calling because...." and you spend the first ten or fifteen seconds trying to determine who, exactly it is on the line. I'm hoping for something better these next 40 days.

I'm also hoping for some Jesus-given clarity about my current work situation, especially when and how it needs to change. I'd say more but Arlie is awake and crying in the next room. God give me a deeper experience of you these next 40 days. Let me become empty, that you might make me full.